Really, boundaries are the best. They communicate to others how we expect to be treated and what we’ll tolerate from them. Context means that different situations shift where the lines are, not that they exist. Your best friend can text you at 3am, but it’s probably not okay if your boss does.
Drawing good boundaries is hard and holding boundaries you’ve drawn is harder. As with most worthwhile things; the difficulty doesn’t detract from their importance.
The steps for setting boundaries aren’t hard. Enacting them is.
- Step 1: Define the line. Be as clear and straightforward as possible.
- Step 2: Communicate your needs in terms of what you need or will accept. Try not to define things in negative terms, i.e.: things that won’t work.
- Step 3: Take a deep breath and let any emotion that arises from setting this boundary pass. Guilt, shame, and fear are often a natural response for people who are new at boundaries. That doesn’t mean you need to listen to them.
Books we like about boundaries:
The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban– This lovely tome includes scripts and tips on holding boundaries with a handy traffic light system.
Unf*uck Your Boundaries by Dr. Faith Harper– Not a feel good read, but so very down to earth about making boundaries work in less than perfect circumstances. There’s also a companion workbook.
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab– NYT bestselling author and instagram delight in a more in depth format. Whether you read her book or not, give her a follow.
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